Cuz Breaking up is Hard to do....

Those of you who follow me on Twitter, Facebook, or know me in real life have probably heard that news. Most of you have been in shock, disbelief, and even denial that it is true, but yes, the rumours are true, I have stopped drinking coffee.

    Those of you who don’t know me or my tweets are probably thinking something along the lines of “what’s the big deal” but putting it in perspective, I have drank upwards of 10 cups (sometimes 20) per day for almost 15 years. This was a big step for me, one that i am sure every medical person who knows how much coffee i drink never thought would happen. I’ve sat face to face with doctors, dietitians, naturopaths and countless others and when told that i had cut down have outright said “no” (or on a few occasions something more along the lines of “i don’t want to! you can’t make me!”).

    Yes there have been cut down attempts in the past, some a little more successful than others, but overall, they were futile attempts - i didn’t want to change, and i definitely did not want to give up my wonderfully comforting cup of coffee....it saved me, it was there for me, it held me up when i felt myself crashing down. We had been through so much together...and i wasn’t ready to give up that support yet.

    Coffee kept me going, was there when i thought i couldn’t push myself any further, was there when i was sad, mad, angry, stressed, frustrated or overwhelmed. And something that i rarely admit to, at one point kept me alive.

    It was never that didn’t agree with the medical type people - i knew drinking that much coffee was not good for me, i knew that i was pretty addicted to caffeine, i knew that i was using it for a lot more than just a morning pick me up, but still i couldn’t bring myself to stop, to let go, to move on. I was grasping at the one thing that had brought me comfort for all these years, the one thing that had always been there for me, i didn’t care that it was a destructive relationship, coffee was good to me.

    But the time came in December, maybe it was the stomach bug, maybe it was just that a lot of change had been happening, but even after the stomach bug was gone, i made the decision to stay away.

    I tell you this story not to brag about how well i’ve done, but as a way of reaching out to other people who struggle. It’s not just that coffee - it was what the coffee represented. It’s that thing that you hold onto when you know it’s not good for you. That thing that you know you need to do but are too scared to even try. It is trying to be in control, even when you know that you are very much out of control. It is that thing that brings you comfort no matter how much it really hurts. It was letting go of a crutch that i no longer needed and knowing that people would be there to catch me as i stumbled.

    and...i’m glad i did it.