I had a physical a couple weeks back along with all the yearly blood work to make sure that things are ok – or in my case (and the case of many women with PCOS) making sure that things are not getting considerably worse.
I walked out of the doctor’s office upset. I had gained weight. Not a surprise since lately i’ve been feeling like my PCOS is getting worse – odd food cravings, hair issues and many other PCOS issues that I’m sure most of you don’t want to hear about. I left her office sure that my cholesterol was probably up again, that my blood sugar and A1C were probably not great…was sure I must be on my way to type two diabetes. I WAS SURE.
Weight is something that most people with PCOS struggle with – not our faults, we have so much acting against us. I’ve managed to keep my weight normal over the past 5-6 years (went from overweight to underweight and struggled to find the right balance). The weight gain bothered me a lot. I was sure it was telling me I wasn’t trying hard enough, was giving into the cravings too often, wasn’t careful to manage my carb vs protein intake. It was telling me I failed. I WAS SURE.
I waited for my doctor to make that call I’ve always dreaded – she was going to call and say she needed to discuss my results. She was going to tell me my LDL cholesterol was up, my HDL cholesterol was down, my triglycerides were horrible and that my fasting blood sugar was borderline. There was no doubt in my mind. I WAS SURE.
That call never happened. In fact, I heard nothing. I even knew a copy was faxed to my dietitian and I didn’t hear from her either. I grew suspicious. It must be bad..but I knew from my past that medications weren’t an option because of my liver not getting along with them….”my doctor and dietitian must have spoke about how to handle things….that’s it” I told myself. It’s so bad that they were coming up with a plan and my dietitian was going to talk to me when I saw her. I WAS SURE.
I gained weight – things must be bad. I WAS SURE.
I was scared to death to see my dietitian (and for the first time ever not because we were discussing coffee). I was scared she was going to think I lying on my food diaries. That I was secretly binging sugary carby things and not tell her. I was sure she was going to be questioning me on where I went wrong. I WAS SURE.
Then I had a shock. She told me how happy she was – how everything – EVERYTHING – was within normal range and some results were even picture-perfect-couldn’t-ask-for-more. I was confused. I had gained weight. I wasn’t sure…
I had to give this a lot of thought. I realized that being upset about gaining weight (my weight is still within normal range btw) had absolutely nothing to do with my health and that I had taken that one number, one factor that determines health and made it the only factor that mattered…and what made this worse. I know better. I know that my weight does not determine my health. I know that eating well, exercising and taking care of my body matters a whole lot more than a number on a scale.
I knew I had a choice to make. Do I want to fight to lose those couple pounds that really in the end don’t matter? Do I want to push knowing that there is a good chance I’m not going to lose those extra pounds and still stay healthy?
There is a whole lot I fight daily with my PCOS, but I think I’m ready to say, “I choose healthy over skinny” and that I AM SURE.