food for thought

ever since my life took an interesting turn 5 years ago, i’ve been a big believer in intuitive eating. you can google it if you want to learn more, but the premise is, pay attention to your body when you eat, if you listen you will know what and how much you should be eating. it is something that has helped me get past many many hard times – helped me stay healthy. it is eating without “food rules”, diets or other odd made up concepts that just don’t work. it is eating because you are hungry, because food is enjoyable, and stopping when you’ve had enough. the “eat like your grandparents diet”? it’s that – pay attention to how you feel and you will know what’s right.

this week i had an interesting conversation – one that has left me thinking a whole lot about the concept and brought up things that i’ve mentioned in this blog before – how hard it is to eat intuitively without rules when my allergies and health problems sometimes dictate rules. i’ve written about my allergies before and i’ve written about my struggles with eating on other blogs but i’ve never really written about the fact that i have PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) and this is where the idea of eating without rules get confusing and complicated. there are many things that PCOS affect health wise, but the big one that most of us deal with is insulin resistance – it causes weight gain, weird blood sugar swings and really strong cravings for carbs – and i mean REALLY strong (crying because i want a cookie and don’t have access to one happens, a lot). there are times when even if i listen to my body, it tells me lies. it tells me that it wants sugar, large amounts of glorious sugar that will in turn make me sick when my blood sugar skyrockets then drops like a ton of bricks. we have arguments sometimes. i know i’ve eaten enough but it wants more. sometimes i win by trying to tell it that it’s just confused, and sometimes i lose when it decides to drop my blood sugar (and therefore dropping me onto the floor). it’s hard to tell when it is telling the truth and when it lies….and it’s frustrating. somedays i can eat almost exactly the same time, exercise the same amount and still one day i will be fine and the next day not. my body lies, my body plays games and sometimes, just sometimes, i am sure it hates me. 

i’m struggling right now. it’s scary to know that you’ve worked so hard to become healthy again after being so ill for so long and know that there is a possibility that even if you try really really hard that sometimes it won’t matter. that even on days you are “perfect” it isn’t enough.

so many of us suffer silently…”female problems” are not something that is acceptable public conversation, but the truth is, i wish i could scream about it, scream about how someone making a comment and losing or gaining weight makes me want to go off the deep end. how someone questioning the fact that i eat 5 or 6 times a day and how if they “did that” they surely “would be fat” makes me feel as if i’m going to gain weight at any minute now ballooning up into just another “statistically confirmed risk group” i want to scream that i just want to eat like everyone else, i don’t want to watch my protein to carb ratio, i don’t want to have to check my blood sugar sometimes and i really don’t want to have to remember to bring candy with my when i go for a walk with my dog “just incase” my blood sugar drops.

i want my body and i to call a truce…

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *